I am proud to inform you that my wife was appointed Holiday Weekend Traffic czar for the Obama administration today! She made her first public statement in this capacity at 3:00 p.m. PST from the passenger seat of our SUV as we traveled east on CA-78. Here’s the transcript:
“Thank you for coming today. As you now know, I have just been appointed Holiday Weekend Traffic czar for the Obama administration, and I am both humbled and honored at the responsibility entrusted to me.
As I’m sure you’re aware, Labor Day weekend is a time when many Americans take advantage of the three-day weekend and travel. This increase in travel during the holiday weekend often leads to congestion on our nation’s roadways, costing America time and money.
After tireless research and much deliberation, I have come up with a bipartisan plan to alleviate the congestion on our roadways. It is a plan that will save money, protect the environment, build strong families, and protect our nation’s most vulnerable citizens from the threat of disease.
The plan can be summed up in one word: staycation.
By staying home this holiday weekend, instead of venturing afield, Americans can help the economy by foregoing the expenses of travel, avoiding the cost of fuel, meals, and lodging. Staycations also discourage frivolous spending, such as the purchasing of turqouise jewelry or plastic snowglobes at truck stop gift shops.
The “staycation plan” is also a green plan: by staying home Americans reduce their use of fossil fuels, thereby reducing greenhouse gas emissions. To further reduce their negative impact upon the ecosphere, Americans can also take the opportunity to plant a “staycation garden” while enjoying the holiday weekend.
Building strong families is another positive aspect of staycations. Rather than visit an amusement park, the beach, or a campground–where family members often split up in order to pursue their own individual interests–the staycation gives families the opportunity to spend quality time together in the comfort of their own homes.
This Labor Day weekend Americans face the threat of the H1N1 virus, and the elderly, children, and others who are most susceptible to the spread of communicable diseases must be protected. A staycation is the best way to prevent one’s family and loved ones from contracting a disease such as the H1N1 virus, by keeping them away from amusement parks, beaches, campgrounds, and other areas rife with disease.
There are those who might argue that the cost of this plan is too high, that in the end it will actually result in a net loss to the economy as the travel and tourism industries suffer a loss of revenue from people staying home. This is short-sighted thinking. To offset any potential losses of revenue to the aforementioned industries, I encourage all Americans to take advantage of the traditionally low Labor Day weekend prices and go on a brief Internet shopping spree from home. There is no better way to remember your family’s staycation than a sweater from L.L. Bean.
In closing, I would like to further address critics of the “staycation plan.” After introducing this plan to many motorists on a crowded San Diego freeway earlier this afternoon, I was surprised at how few of the people I shouted at as they drove by with their windows up embraced the plan. In fact, a majority of the people I shouted at ignored my plan at this time. However, I’m sure that upon further explanation–through webcasts, prime-time appearances, town hall meetings, and interviews in Us Weekly–all Americans will come to see the brilliance of my plan.
I thank you, and have a good day.”
Have a great Labor Day, everyone! 
P.S. My wife’s one funny lady…
